The things I do for science, rationalism and Tim!

Later this week I’ll be heading down to London to TAM. This is my wobble and I’m hoping that by writing about it it will relay some of the anxiety. Please bear with me as I trundle through my brain.

I first heard about TAM last year in the paper and thought it sounded amazing (no pun intended), then promptly forgot about it. Until someone retweeted it on twitter earlier this year. Almost I immediately I decided I wanted to go, but then my ever-so-practical side kicked in, as it always does. Can I go? How will I get there? Will I be able to cope? Those of you who know me will be aware I have Muscular Dystrophy, those who don’t – I do. I try to live as normal and independent life as possible, but I won’t lie – my life is hard, partly because I’m to stubborn to accept or ask for help. Still I have a pretty good life so I try not to whinge. But why should I miss out on something’s I really want to do just because I am disabled? I can’t do some things so I should do those I can while I can.

However, I do struggle with things other people don’t even think about. In some ways I’m a little like a blind person, in places and situations I’m familiar with I’m fine, in new and unusual situations I find it hard. Things like opening doors or standing up from chairs. How to balance, where to put my feet, will my back seize up if I sit/stand/walk too much, what if I fall down? These are the stupid things I worry about.

I’ve tried to be organized, I’ve contacted the hotel, the organizers, planned my journey. I can’t do much more. I’m sure everyone will be lovely (that’s what I keep being told) and I need to get some self-belief and if necessary, ask for help, even though that doesn’t help my self-esteem! I think my dad hasn’t helped, I know he only cares but he keeps coming across as ‘you can’t do this”. I don’t see why not, I’m 28, I’m a grown-up and I know what I can and can’t do. FFS, it’s a weekend in London, not backpacking around Peru! I think part of my negativity is that I’ve been let down so much in the past that I talk myself out of things so I won’t be disappointed.

So, I’m going. I’m meeting up with one of my oldest friends on Friday night, I’m going to have a great time, see some amazing speakers, learn interesting things, hopefully meet some new people (and put faces/bodies to twitter names), and maybe suck it up and take a note fro A Streetcar Named Desire ad rely on the ‘kindness of strangers’. And as my dad says ‘the things you worry about most in life never happen’.